Existential crises are a bitch.
I’m now in a position in my life that I never thought I’d find myself in. I have to find a new definition of myself and nothing seems to be forthcoming. Everything has changed for what appears to be the worst and I have discovered that I am not as resilient as I thought I was. There was no real precedent set for any of this within my personal experience. I have no guidepost, no compass, no bearing whatsoever. On top of it all, I am also dealing with the fallout of not addressing my mental health issues to the point where this bump in the road has caused them to emerge with a vengeance. My mind is intent on devouring itself, it seems, and I am just barely keeping it at bay.
So what to do now? I’ve wasted a tremendous amount of time and energy on solving the one problem in all this that has no hope of being resolved. I need to refocus that energy into determining what exactly I’m for, other than a father. There have been hints and glimpses of a direction to go in but there are significant hurdles to overcome in every direction.
One thing that I don’t know at the moment is if anything about the illness I’m struggling with has anything to do with my tendency to obsess over a thing or idea to a detrimental extent. It was pointed out to me years ago that I would be obsessed and focused on one or two things at a time, talking and thinking about them constantly, only to have all that energy refocused on entirely different things a week or two later. It’s true, I tend to get engaged in something and let myself be consumed by it until the next thing comes along. I think that’s why I have so many half started hobbies and projects. I cannot seem to focus on any one thing long enough to bring it to fruition. Now, though, I am stuck with very little ability to pursue any sort of interest so my mind is stuck on the one problem. It eats away at me constantly. There is no acceptable solution to my fractured psyche and thus it churns away endlessly. For whatever reason I cannot fathom a no win scenario in this matter, even though I have been informed that it is so. So the tires are spinning in my head and there is no traction to be had anywhere.
Distraction is the thing.
I have begun to find ways to busy myself with things that allow me to somewhat enter a flow state. At least enough to occupy me and keep me grounded in the task at hand. It wasn’t possible for me a few weeks ago but slowly I am learning to give myself over to it. There is a sliver of solace and peace in mindless activity. If I think about this for long enough, my mind has started to pick out other things to occupy itself. New ideas and old for keeping myself present. To keep myself in the moment.
Me from even three months ago wouldn’t have believed I’d be talking this way now.
Even writing this at this very moment has had a marked change in the landscape of my mind. I can still feel the engines of destruction running but they are somewhat kept at bay for the present.
The time has come for change. For forgetting. For learning. For reinventing.
I just hope it’s for the better.
I just hope it sticks.